Shocking Discovery of Spine in Democratic Lawmaker
Researcher Denies Finding True Spine 8.18.09
A scientist in Miami made headlines today after announcing the shocking discovery of a spine in a deceased Democratic lawmaker who had donated his body to science. “We didn’t find a spine exactly,” said forensic researcher Gertrude Poll, “it was more what we would call a proto-spine.”
The discovery promises to end a long debate among researchers as to whether Democrats can, in rare instances, develop spines. Evidence to date has relied largely on anecdotes from historical reports. Until this recent discovery, a mechanism for this spinal development was unknown and based primarily on wishful thinking among voters.
Not all researchers are convinced. “This is an interesting anomaly,” said researcher Martin Law at the University of Bonny Doone, “but the fact is that significant efforts to promote spinal growth in Democrats, in Democratic lawmakers in particular, have all failed.”
For Poll’s colleague Allison Wright, the discovery is sweet vindication. Just last December she was laughed out of a scientific session for presenting new theories on mechanisms for Democratic backbone growth. “We have indirect evidence of spinal development in a few Democratic lawmakers — we have years of documented empirical data indicating a strong spine in Congressman Dennis Kucinich, for example – but this is the first direct proof.”
“Nonsense,” counters Law, “the proto-spine is a Revolutionary remnant, it has no potential to develop into a real backbone.” He points to majority analyses of the Kucinich data, which suggest that the Congressman is in an entirely separate class of political animal, or that testicular rather spinal fortitude is the underlying cause.
Yet a third species of political animal, Homo G.O.P. Rushensis, exhibits strong, rigid spines and overdeveloped testes, or “balls”, that grow so unchecked, they can crowd out brain matter.
“In some cases,” commented a scientist who insisted on remaining anonymous, “the rectal regions become so invasive, Homo G.O.P. Rushensis develops into a complete and total a%#hole.” To date, no one has discovered how this transformation occurs, but evidence points to proximity to electromagnetic radiation from broadcasting equipment.
*Warning: Satire above, not actual news article*