President Obama holds for an insurance representative
Obama Orders Insurance Companies to Stop Humanitarian Work
Savings to Pay for Reforms 07.01.09
HARTFORD – In a move that shocked Republicans and threatened to alienate hopelessly timid Progressives, President Obama announced today that under pressure from his administration, insurance companies have agreed to end all humanitarian work and concentrate on their core mission of delivering insurance coverage to sick policyholders.
“We’ve heard of too many cases of insurance claims adjusters putting customers on hold for long periods of time while they distribute mosquito netting to destitute AIDS orphans,” said a White House Spokesperson. “Lost claims, incorrect denials, lengthy appeals — those will be a thing of the past as adjusters give the business of health insurance their undivided attention again.”
“We can’t have health insurance employees trying to answer customer calls while protecting refugee children from rebel sniper fire in Sudan,” said Obama. “One customer was put on hold for over 45 minutes.” In another case, an adjuster helping Iraqi land mine victims fell onto his computer after a roadside bomb attack and wiped out 30 claims with a single keystroke. “Those people had to resubmit all of their paperwork,” said the President. “No wonder our system is so expensive.”
A spokeswoman for the insurance companies acknowledged the historic agreement but denied that the industry’s commitment to humanitarian work compromises customer service. “We can do both,” said Kelly Iguana, “Our employees get into this business to help sick people. We can’t tell them to ignore their consciences when they have the power to do the right thing. That wouldn’t just be wrong, it would be evil.”
Quoting I.F. Stone, Ms. Iguana added, “The essence of tragedy is not the doing of evil by evil men but the doing of evil by good men, out of weakness, indecision, sloth, inability to act in accordance with what they know to be right.”
The mood in the halls of one insurance giant ranged from sadness to rage. “I think this is wrong,” said grievance coordinator Margot Hill. “Who is going to offer this kind of humanitarian aid now? The government? Non-profits?” She didn’t think her frequent trips to Central Africa to pull 3-foot-long worms from the blisters of Guinea worm disease victims took anything away from sick Americans. “We’re all better off when terrible diseases are brought under control,” she said.
Lawmakers have known for years that administrative expenses because of private insurers cost upwards of $450 billion a year, most of it unnecessary. These changes are slated to save at least $1 trillion every three years, in addition to the money saved by not treating insurance company employees for diseases they contract on humanitarian missions. Opponents argue that savings will be offset as doctors get sick more often from seeing patients instead of doing insurance paperwork.
*Warning: Satire above (not actual news article)*: